I'm scared.
That's the thing a lot of people have been wanting me to say. I tell them about what I'm doing and many reply, "Aren't you scared?" Well, congratulations! I'm finally there. I'm scared. What I'm scared of may surprise you.
I'm not scared of the surgery; Dr. B. is awesome. He's done this somewhere over 1,300 times and has never lost a patient. I'm not scared of giving up ice cream; it seems like a small trade off for the chance at a family. I'm not scared of losing my hair; it'll come back.
So, what am I scared of?
Hunger -- This surgery is changing my football sized stomach into an egg sized stomach, so this is not supposed to be a concern. I hate feeling hungry and not being able to eat. This morning. I slept in. When I woke up, I had 2 eggs scrambled with eggs and cheese with well done bacon for my 11am breakfast. At 6pm, I was hungry. At 7pm, I was almost in tears. I went downstairs and had a salad, talapia, and green beans; I felt better, but I was still hungry. Jeff lovingly cut me up some strawberries. I feel good now. I shouldn't be worried about this post surgery. I'm going to be eating smaller meals more frequently, and my football sized stomach will be much smaller, so I won't have the need to fill my football. Still, I am a bit scared -- irrationally so.
Well, me being who I am, I read up a bit and found a suitable plan. First, I'm buying a mini-fridge for my classroom. I'll have some healthy options in my class at all time. Secondly, I was reading READY, Set, shrink! by Lori Ferrante today and she suggested something very useful. In chapter three (Preparing For Surgery), she says that she bought a bunch of GladWare "mini round" containers in the half cup size. Since my new stomach will only be able to handle four ounces at a time, these are perfect! Ferrante says she opens up a few different protein shakes and pour them into the GladWare containers and store them in the fridge. This way, she always has the correct portion of her protein shake ready to go at a moments notice. Even though when school come back, I'll be eating more solids, I'll still use these shakes to get my protein. Also, if you've been following my blog, you know I've been trying protein shakes for a few months now. I've also bought some bariatric friendly food from the internet that I need to try. (There are boxes and bottles stacked on my kitchen island.) So, I seem to have a plan and logically, I should not worry about this. Realistically, I don't know if I'll stop feeling scared about this until I experience that easily full sensation.
Pills -- I'm going to be taking vitamin supplements for the rest of my life. Quite honestly, I'm not the best at taking the pills I currently have to take on a systematic basis. Speaking of, did I take my thyroid medicine today? I'm not sure. It's bad that I get myself into this situation. After surgery, I'll have my normal medicine plus I'll be taking a multivitamin with iron, a b-complex vitamin with b-12, and a calcium citrate with D 600mg twice a day. I can't take all of this at once, so I'm definitely going to need a plan in place. Ferrante used a daily chart and checked off each item after she took it. This included her protein and water intake. This sounds like a good plan in theory. I just hope I can keep up with it. In my head I keep saying, "Protein + Vitamins = Keeping My Hair." That's actually more motivating than you'd imagine. Either way, I have to figure this out this week.
Pre-op Appointment -- I'm a bit anxious for my pre-op appointment with Dr. B. on Friday. He wanted me to lose weight before my surgery, and I have, but I'm not down from the last time he saw me. Once I had a surgery date, I did a "say goodbye to my favorite food tour." I enjoyed things I wouldn't have for a long time. I also gained 15 lbs eating the way I have always wanted to. People see me and think I eat like that all the time. The truth is that I have a salad, chicken, fruit, and water for lunch. I bring low-fat cheese sticks to work. Anyway, I gained the weight and I've almost got it all off. I'm only plus four pounds from where I was in March. Technically, I have lost 11 lbs, but I gained 15 first. I'm "hard-coring" it now. I'm moving my protein shakes up to two a day. I'm not eating ANY whites (pasta, bread, potatoes...). I'm trying to drink more water. Anyway, I'm nervous. I'm going to be very honest with Dr. B. and tell him about my ups and downs (pun intended). We'll see what he says. I guess the worst case scenario is that he postpones my surgery a few weeks. I really don't want that to happen, but it could.
Family and Friends -- I know that everyone is being so supportive. I worry that people have expectations for me that I won't be able to live up to. There is this parent at my school who had a bypass. She lost over 100lbs. Recently, people in that community who hear I'm having this done say things like, "Look at her. She's done so well... but I think she's gaining some of it back." People are SO critical! From everything I've read, I'm supposed to lose a lot and than gain a small amount back and find a happy plateau. This woman has managed to keep 100+ pounds! I think that's great. Yet, I feel like she is not living up to people's expectations -- people's uninformed expectations. I'm so scared that this situation will happen to me. I'm scared of disappointing my family and friends, not being all they want of me. In the end, I'm doing this for myself and my family; I know that is what I have to remember. I'm a bit sensitive though -- that's all.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
44 days until surgery... and counting
My surgery is coming closer and closer. I have 44 days left. Today, I took out my "Pre-Surgical Weight Loss Plan" that is supposed to be implemented "2-4 weeks prior to surgery." I know I have time, but I want to start this road now! Here's what is says, plus how I'm doing:
Goal is to stay within 1200 - 1900 calories per day.
That'll require some more work.
1. Eliminate sweet drinks.
I don't drink soda or coffee. I mainly drink water (with lemon); sometimes I drink skim milk. I feel good about this item.
2. Eliminate fried foods, and high fat/sugar foods.
Well, fries came with my steak at my staff dinner yesterday... but those three white russians were all me, I suppose.
3. Start consuming 60 ounces per day of water or calorie free, decaffeinated fluids. (Water will assist you in staying full -- to avoid excessive hunger before surgery)
I do well with this on the weekends, but not the weekdays. I need to drink more (water) for sure!
4. Stop eating white foods (potato, noodles, pasta, rice, white breads) May use lite wheat bread, high fiber/high protein pasta, and noodles in moderation.
This is hard for me. I love my pasta, potatoes, and breads. Today Jeff and I went to spend a teacher appreciation gift card at Panera and I got a sandwich on whole grain bread and not a french baguette. Does that count? What? For dinner? I had pizza. Darn.
5. Eat every 2-3 hours... start working on the changes that MUST become part of our new life after surgery. Eating every 2-3 hours will keep your metabolism up and assist you in staying full.
This is something I need to consciously plan out better.
6. Do not eat late at night -- but if you must, munch on veggies dipped in salsa, a piece of fruit, or use one of your protein drinks.
No problem with this one.
7. Walk at least 10 minutes twice per day -- you CAN do it.
I'm trying to do more than this. I tend to be all in or none in. This sounds too simple, but maybe 10 minutes twice a day is a good place to start.
8. Use Unjury powder as directed -- mixing with skim or low fat milks or lactose free milk or soymilk. Do not mix with juice or caffeinated drinks. May use with water if you wish, but to get more protein in -- milk is 1 gram of protein per 1 ounce of milk.
I have been trying protein drinks, but I haven't really been making them a daily part of my life.
REMEMBER:
* No fried (Starting today)
* No sweets (Starting today, but not including the gift card I got for Cold Stone Creamery for Teacher Appreciation week... haha)
* No white foods (Starting today)
* No sweet drinks (Done)
* Wean off caffeine (Done)
* Get more water and fluids that are sugar free and decaffeinated (Need to drink more water)
* Eat every 2-3 hours (Dreading this, but will start today)
* Get used to measuring what you are eating (Talk to Jeff)
* Keep a daily journal of what you eat, how much you eat, and how it was prepared (I could use this blog for that, I suppose.)
* MOVE!!! (I need to do this more.)
Goal is to stay within 1200 - 1900 calories per day.
That'll require some more work.
1. Eliminate sweet drinks.
I don't drink soda or coffee. I mainly drink water (with lemon); sometimes I drink skim milk. I feel good about this item.
2. Eliminate fried foods, and high fat/sugar foods.
Well, fries came with my steak at my staff dinner yesterday... but those three white russians were all me, I suppose.
3. Start consuming 60 ounces per day of water or calorie free, decaffeinated fluids. (Water will assist you in staying full -- to avoid excessive hunger before surgery)
I do well with this on the weekends, but not the weekdays. I need to drink more (water) for sure!
4. Stop eating white foods (potato, noodles, pasta, rice, white breads) May use lite wheat bread, high fiber/high protein pasta, and noodles in moderation.
This is hard for me. I love my pasta, potatoes, and breads. Today Jeff and I went to spend a teacher appreciation gift card at Panera and I got a sandwich on whole grain bread and not a french baguette. Does that count? What? For dinner? I had pizza. Darn.
5. Eat every 2-3 hours... start working on the changes that MUST become part of our new life after surgery. Eating every 2-3 hours will keep your metabolism up and assist you in staying full.
This is something I need to consciously plan out better.
6. Do not eat late at night -- but if you must, munch on veggies dipped in salsa, a piece of fruit, or use one of your protein drinks.
No problem with this one.
7. Walk at least 10 minutes twice per day -- you CAN do it.
I'm trying to do more than this. I tend to be all in or none in. This sounds too simple, but maybe 10 minutes twice a day is a good place to start.
8. Use Unjury powder as directed -- mixing with skim or low fat milks or lactose free milk or soymilk. Do not mix with juice or caffeinated drinks. May use with water if you wish, but to get more protein in -- milk is 1 gram of protein per 1 ounce of milk.
I have been trying protein drinks, but I haven't really been making them a daily part of my life.
REMEMBER:
* No fried (Starting today)
* No sweets (Starting today, but not including the gift card I got for Cold Stone Creamery for Teacher Appreciation week... haha)
* No white foods (Starting today)
* No sweet drinks (Done)
* Wean off caffeine (Done)
* Get more water and fluids that are sugar free and decaffeinated (Need to drink more water)
* Eat every 2-3 hours (Dreading this, but will start today)
* Get used to measuring what you are eating (Talk to Jeff)
* Keep a daily journal of what you eat, how much you eat, and how it was prepared (I could use this blog for that, I suppose.)
* MOVE!!! (I need to do this more.)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Even More Protein Drinks
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Houston: We have a DATE!
After months of jumping through hoops, calling to get tests resent, and waiting oh so patiently, I finally have a surgery date!
On June 21, 2010, I will be having a gastric bypass!
I have had so many different emotions about this. I feel like I have lots of people's support, but not necessarily their understanding. I don't know if that makes sense. I think it is easy for people to understand this is what we (Jeff and I) want and be happy for us. That's a lot different than understanding why this is our choice. I know that people are worried about the hypotheticals, but what I need is energy and support. I need people to keep me goal oriented and focused on the future.
On June 21, 2010, I will be having a gastric bypass!
I have had so many different emotions about this. I feel like I have lots of people's support, but not necessarily their understanding. I don't know if that makes sense. I think it is easy for people to understand this is what we (Jeff and I) want and be happy for us. That's a lot different than understanding why this is our choice. I know that people are worried about the hypotheticals, but what I need is energy and support. I need people to keep me goal oriented and focused on the future.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Wavy week
The last week has really been full of ups and downs for me. I'll recap for you.
Monday: I got my blood test redone (time three). While there, I saw my primary care physician, Dr. H, because I had an ear infection. I explained my frustration about the lab and my blood work. I told him very simply that he and his nurse were the only reason I continue to use that office. I don't feel like anyone else really cares about me there. I explained about having to get my blood taken three times. I explained about how many times I had to call to get tests taken. I explained everything. He seemed to get it. Dr. H. apologized. I told him that HE was not the one in the office who owed me an apology. I hope that he'll be trying to get these quirks fixed.
Tuesday: I got a temporary cap put on my recently root canaled tooth.
Friday: I took a half day to go to see my new Endocrinologist. [His last name also begins with an H, so I'll call him Dr. Endo. Let me know if you think of a better way to do this!] I had seen him once before and not really cared for him. I felt he didn't listen to me. My dear friend Gloria LOVES him, so I decided to give him another chance. I did bring reinforcements this time (Jeff).
Jeff and I talked a bit about my trepidation about this doctor. To sum up, he seemed very against bariactric surgery; he didn't ask enough questions about my background; he wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him "my story"; he continually interrupted me when I was trying to give him more information. All of these things left me feeling very unconnected to this doctor.
When Dr. Endo came in, I introduced him to Jeff. Jeff has come to a lot of appointments with me during my fertility roller coaster, so we have gotten pretty good at this. Dr. Endo was the first doctor to completely act like Jeff wasn't in the room when Jeff wasn't speaking directly to him. It was odd, but nothing big.
Next, he asked me if I was pregnant -- a question that caught me pretty off guard. Of course I'm not pregnant. I'm never pregnant. Ugh. Don't you think if I was pregnant I'd mention it? Or given that I have been trying for 5.75 years, I'd probably be glowing five shades of sunshine? I digress...
Apparently, I was supposed to have labs done before I saw him. Maybe it was because the first time I saw him was on New Year's Eve, but this was not made clear to me. Now it is. A different person did my "check out" and explained how they do it wonderfully.
Dr. Endo noted my slight weight loss since my last appointment. He then told me I should talk to my OB/GYN again about getting me on Clomid. He feels that if my thyroid gets in check (and we don't know if it is since I didn't have labs), and he ups my Glucophage/Metformin, I will get pregnant quite easily. I try to explain to him that we are going a different route with the gastric bypass. Dr. Endo feels that there is no reason for me to have surgery. He expresses concerns about bone loss and long term issues. I explain to him that the fertility specialist says I need to lose another hundred from where I am and my OB/GYN is done putting me on Clomid. Dr. Endo then tells me if they aren't willing to do this, I should consider getting new doctors! (Whoa!)
Eventually, Jeff and I stop talking and just let Dr. Endo go on with his magical theory. I check out, go get my allergy shot, and get some blood taken before returning to school.
Jeff and I spent a few days trying to process this appointment.
I have been at a lower weight with my thyroid levels correct before. During this time, I was on Clomid. I was not able to get pregnant. The only difference that Dr. Endo is proposing is upping my Glucophage. Also, on Clomid, I grew cysts that had to be surgically removed. That is not great either. I have my core trusted doctors telling me this surgery is my best option. Dr. Endo's plan sounds a little fairy taleish. I may be jaded after all these years, but I haven't believed in fairy tales for a long time.
If we went with Dr. Endo's plan, we'd have to give it a year. I'd be (almost) 33 at that point. Then if it didn't work, I could still get the surgery, but I'd be 35 before I could start trying to conceive. If I got pregnant immediately I'd be 36 before I had my first child. We feel like time is ticking and we don't want to waste a year on a plan with a doctor we really don't trust. We're moving forward and sticking with the doctors we trust.
This weekend, we researched bone loss in by-pass patients. It looks like anyone who loses a substantial amount of weight will have a substantial bone loss. Our bones get bigger to support our bigger bodies. It did seem like bairatric patients are at greater risk for Osteoporosis if they do not take their vitamins as they are supposed to for the rest of their life. I plan on following my doctor's and nut's instructions to the letter.
Saturday: I received my lab test results back from my Dr. H. They looked good. There was also a note saying the results were sent to Dr. B.'s office. Oh my goodness! This is good news! Now Dr. B.'s office will be ready to send all my information to my insurance for approval! I am so excited!
Sunday: I read a bit more in my book. Today I read that I am not supposed to have the "Last Supper" mentality before this surgery. I'll get a lot of these foods back, but in smaller quantities. I wish someone would have made that more clear a few weeks ago! Phew!
---
By the way, I appreciate those of you who are reading this. It's nice not to feel alone in this journey. (hugs)
Monday: I got my blood test redone (time three). While there, I saw my primary care physician, Dr. H, because I had an ear infection. I explained my frustration about the lab and my blood work. I told him very simply that he and his nurse were the only reason I continue to use that office. I don't feel like anyone else really cares about me there. I explained about having to get my blood taken three times. I explained about how many times I had to call to get tests taken. I explained everything. He seemed to get it. Dr. H. apologized. I told him that HE was not the one in the office who owed me an apology. I hope that he'll be trying to get these quirks fixed.
Tuesday: I got a temporary cap put on my recently root canaled tooth.
Friday: I took a half day to go to see my new Endocrinologist. [His last name also begins with an H, so I'll call him Dr. Endo. Let me know if you think of a better way to do this!] I had seen him once before and not really cared for him. I felt he didn't listen to me. My dear friend Gloria LOVES him, so I decided to give him another chance. I did bring reinforcements this time (Jeff).
Jeff and I talked a bit about my trepidation about this doctor. To sum up, he seemed very against bariactric surgery; he didn't ask enough questions about my background; he wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him "my story"; he continually interrupted me when I was trying to give him more information. All of these things left me feeling very unconnected to this doctor.
When Dr. Endo came in, I introduced him to Jeff. Jeff has come to a lot of appointments with me during my fertility roller coaster, so we have gotten pretty good at this. Dr. Endo was the first doctor to completely act like Jeff wasn't in the room when Jeff wasn't speaking directly to him. It was odd, but nothing big.
Next, he asked me if I was pregnant -- a question that caught me pretty off guard. Of course I'm not pregnant. I'm never pregnant. Ugh. Don't you think if I was pregnant I'd mention it? Or given that I have been trying for 5.75 years, I'd probably be glowing five shades of sunshine? I digress...
Apparently, I was supposed to have labs done before I saw him. Maybe it was because the first time I saw him was on New Year's Eve, but this was not made clear to me. Now it is. A different person did my "check out" and explained how they do it wonderfully.
Dr. Endo noted my slight weight loss since my last appointment. He then told me I should talk to my OB/GYN again about getting me on Clomid. He feels that if my thyroid gets in check (and we don't know if it is since I didn't have labs), and he ups my Glucophage/Metformin, I will get pregnant quite easily. I try to explain to him that we are going a different route with the gastric bypass. Dr. Endo feels that there is no reason for me to have surgery. He expresses concerns about bone loss and long term issues. I explain to him that the fertility specialist says I need to lose another hundred from where I am and my OB/GYN is done putting me on Clomid. Dr. Endo then tells me if they aren't willing to do this, I should consider getting new doctors! (Whoa!)
Eventually, Jeff and I stop talking and just let Dr. Endo go on with his magical theory. I check out, go get my allergy shot, and get some blood taken before returning to school.
Jeff and I spent a few days trying to process this appointment.
I have been at a lower weight with my thyroid levels correct before. During this time, I was on Clomid. I was not able to get pregnant. The only difference that Dr. Endo is proposing is upping my Glucophage. Also, on Clomid, I grew cysts that had to be surgically removed. That is not great either. I have my core trusted doctors telling me this surgery is my best option. Dr. Endo's plan sounds a little fairy taleish. I may be jaded after all these years, but I haven't believed in fairy tales for a long time.
If we went with Dr. Endo's plan, we'd have to give it a year. I'd be (almost) 33 at that point. Then if it didn't work, I could still get the surgery, but I'd be 35 before I could start trying to conceive. If I got pregnant immediately I'd be 36 before I had my first child. We feel like time is ticking and we don't want to waste a year on a plan with a doctor we really don't trust. We're moving forward and sticking with the doctors we trust.
This weekend, we researched bone loss in by-pass patients. It looks like anyone who loses a substantial amount of weight will have a substantial bone loss. Our bones get bigger to support our bigger bodies. It did seem like bairatric patients are at greater risk for Osteoporosis if they do not take their vitamins as they are supposed to for the rest of their life. I plan on following my doctor's and nut's instructions to the letter.
Saturday: I received my lab test results back from my Dr. H. They looked good. There was also a note saying the results were sent to Dr. B.'s office. Oh my goodness! This is good news! Now Dr. B.'s office will be ready to send all my information to my insurance for approval! I am so excited!
Sunday: I read a bit more in my book. Today I read that I am not supposed to have the "Last Supper" mentality before this surgery. I'll get a lot of these foods back, but in smaller quantities. I wish someone would have made that more clear a few weeks ago! Phew!
---
By the way, I appreciate those of you who are reading this. It's nice not to feel alone in this journey. (hugs)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
More Protein Drinks
Yes, sports fans, we had our first Liquid Death!
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Doctors, Support Groups, and Babies! (Oh My!)
Doctors:
Good news: My psych. report it in! (Yes, I passed; thank you peanut gallery.). Also, I got my missing blood tests retaken!
Bad news: Even though they retook my blood (first time December, second time February) they still MISSED a test! How hard can it be to take the doctor's orders, take my blood, and process the right things? Apparently, very hard. BUT, once I get this last blood test taken, I think I am done with my pre-op requirements! That is exciting.
Support Groups:
Jeff and I went to a support group from the nut's office (that's nutritionist, if you missed my previous post). It had lots of good information and samples of some proteinlious drinks and snacks. Everyone at the group had already had the surgery and was on their way downwards. They seemed to all have there separate set of complications/issues, but were all very glad they had the surgery.
In my own mini-support group (friends), I touched base with my friend C who had a bypass 7 years ago. I also have called my friend, L, who had a different, but similar, type of surgery a few years ago. C looks amazing and the surgery has helped her a lot. It was so great reconnecting with her. We went to elementary, middle, and high school together. Even though a lot of time has passed, I felt like I could ask her anything! It was a good feeling.
Babies
Yes, babies. Last week was the "Everyone I Know Seems to be Having a Baby" week. Two people from my work are preggers. I know that's not everyone, but I took it hard. I always think if I say that out loud I will sound like a monster. I'm not a monster. I love babies! I'm really happy for the people having them! I can't wait to see the babies and to buy little baby things. But for me, that's a double-edged sword.
The whole reason I'm going through this is to start a family. Over the past 5.5 years, I've done so much in order to get the the, "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" place of my life. When I see someone who has been married a month and seems to instantly become pregnant, it makes me feel a little more defective. It's not that I'm not happy for other people, because I really am. I just wish things were a little easier for me in that department.
My people (and they know who they are) tell me I "can't think like that." It's not like I choose to feel sad. It's not like I think to myself, "Well, I could isolate their experience and only feel happy for them, or I could also internalize it with a bit of jealousy and depression... let's go for the depression one!" It's just how I am. People around me don't really seem to get it. I don't know how to explain it any other way than it's how I feel. I always feel defensive when I talk about my feelings too. Just now, I was about to type, "I'm not saying I want anything to happen to these children or wish these other people didn't get pregnant; I just wish I was also." I feel guilty for my feelings -- like I need to explain them over and over again.
I found out about these two pregnant colleagues on Thursday. I came home and The Office was having their episode with Jim and Pam having their baby. Then this weekend, a friend from college had a beautiful baby girl and posted lots of pictures online (as she should). Law and Order had baby drama. Several of my friend posted baby updates online. Also, several people I know have been complaining about their kids. One was complaining to me that her two kids got into bed with her on Thursday night and she didn't get a lot of sleep. My only response I could think of was, "That's an awesome problem to have."
I have to find a way to deal with this better. I'm sure even more babies will be coming in through my life during the next few years. I just wish I knew some day, I'd get to have my, "Guess what?" moment too. (And don't say, "You will, Jessica," because you don't really know that.)
Good news: My psych. report it in! (Yes, I passed; thank you peanut gallery.). Also, I got my missing blood tests retaken!
Bad news: Even though they retook my blood (first time December, second time February) they still MISSED a test! How hard can it be to take the doctor's orders, take my blood, and process the right things? Apparently, very hard. BUT, once I get this last blood test taken, I think I am done with my pre-op requirements! That is exciting.
Support Groups:
Jeff and I went to a support group from the nut's office (that's nutritionist, if you missed my previous post). It had lots of good information and samples of some proteinlious drinks and snacks. Everyone at the group had already had the surgery and was on their way downwards. They seemed to all have there separate set of complications/issues, but were all very glad they had the surgery.
In my own mini-support group (friends), I touched base with my friend C who had a bypass 7 years ago. I also have called my friend, L, who had a different, but similar, type of surgery a few years ago. C looks amazing and the surgery has helped her a lot. It was so great reconnecting with her. We went to elementary, middle, and high school together. Even though a lot of time has passed, I felt like I could ask her anything! It was a good feeling.
Babies
Yes, babies. Last week was the "Everyone I Know Seems to be Having a Baby" week. Two people from my work are preggers. I know that's not everyone, but I took it hard. I always think if I say that out loud I will sound like a monster. I'm not a monster. I love babies! I'm really happy for the people having them! I can't wait to see the babies and to buy little baby things. But for me, that's a double-edged sword.
The whole reason I'm going through this is to start a family. Over the past 5.5 years, I've done so much in order to get the the, "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" place of my life. When I see someone who has been married a month and seems to instantly become pregnant, it makes me feel a little more defective. It's not that I'm not happy for other people, because I really am. I just wish things were a little easier for me in that department.
My people (and they know who they are) tell me I "can't think like that." It's not like I choose to feel sad. It's not like I think to myself, "Well, I could isolate their experience and only feel happy for them, or I could also internalize it with a bit of jealousy and depression... let's go for the depression one!" It's just how I am. People around me don't really seem to get it. I don't know how to explain it any other way than it's how I feel. I always feel defensive when I talk about my feelings too. Just now, I was about to type, "I'm not saying I want anything to happen to these children or wish these other people didn't get pregnant; I just wish I was also." I feel guilty for my feelings -- like I need to explain them over and over again.
I found out about these two pregnant colleagues on Thursday. I came home and The Office was having their episode with Jim and Pam having their baby. Then this weekend, a friend from college had a beautiful baby girl and posted lots of pictures online (as she should). Law and Order had baby drama. Several of my friend posted baby updates online. Also, several people I know have been complaining about their kids. One was complaining to me that her two kids got into bed with her on Thursday night and she didn't get a lot of sleep. My only response I could think of was, "That's an awesome problem to have."
I have to find a way to deal with this better. I'm sure even more babies will be coming in through my life during the next few years. I just wish I knew some day, I'd get to have my, "Guess what?" moment too. (And don't say, "You will, Jessica," because you don't really know that.)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Protein Shakes
One of the proactive things I have been doing is trying out different protein shakes. For the two weeks before and the two weeks after the surgery, I will have to drink all of my protein. I have to take in 60 grams of protein a day. I can only have 4 grams or less of sugar in the drink as well.
Knowing that I am picky as is, we figured we had better start trying now. Jeff made a form for me to enter how well I liked the shakes. The ratings from best to worse are: Awesome, Good, Tolerable, Bad, Liquid Death (yes, liquid death). Here are my comments so far.
Knowing that I am picky as is, we figured we had better start trying now. Jeff made a form for me to enter how well I liked the shakes. The ratings from best to worse are: Awesome, Good, Tolerable, Bad, Liquid Death (yes, liquid death). Here are my comments so far.
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Sunday, February 21, 2010
Overwhelmed
I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I was kind of hoping all of my pre-op requirements would be done by now. I checked in last week and my psych evaluation still has not been sent. I should be able to call over and get that sent (again?) during my prep. tomorrow. Also, it appears that during my physical, some of my necessary blood tests were not taken. I need to schedule that and have those sent over. I left a message with Dr. H's nurse last Monday and still have not heard back.
I know this seems like a small hurdle, but it's just exhausting. I feel like if the psych. people and my primary care physician had done their jobs, I would be done with all this.
Also, I got a letter in the mail from Dr. B (the surgeon). They were concerned about my thyroid and wanted to make sure I'm having it looked at. I called and (surprise, surprise) left a message to the nurse I was told to call in the letter. I told her that I had an appointment on Dec. 31 (where my medicine was changed) and that I am having a follow up in March.
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Another thing that is overwhelming me is that I had a friend visit me this weekend. She hadn't seen me in three years. Three years ago, I was very much engaged in the "trying" to have a baby mode. I was undergoing treatments and was super optimistic. Now, three years later and no baby, she had lots of questions. I explained as much as I could to her and she tried to be supportive. It was kind of sad though. I feel kind of broken and having to essentially explain "what went wrong" was difficult.
Another thing is that my friend is a fun gal. I tried to plan things and keep up with her, but essentially what I did was do something for the last time. Let me explain. We went to this fabulous Brazilian restaurant. They bring skewers of food to you continually and you eat (and eat and eat -- I mean for $50 a person, you kind of want your fill). We also drank 2 bottles of wine and then meet my teammate and her fiance' out at a bar for more drinks. Well, I'm 31 and lead a relatively tame life. This is not my normal. Once I have the surgery, I will not be able to go to restaurants like this and I will certainly not be able to drink out with friends. Granted, we went overboard, but I like going overboard once or twice a year. I also like social eating and drinking. From what I have read, after surgery if you drink half a glass of wine you may end up on the floor. Also, people report that drinking (even half a glass of wine) slows (or stops) their progress after the surgery.
In order to be "ready" for surgery, I need to already lose some weight. Losing weight decreases your liver size which makes it easier to move during surgery. Since my first visit with Dr. B., I have GAINED about 10 pounds. This is probably because I keep enjoying my "lasts" (my last Mexican meal - the way I like it, my last time having fondue, etc...). It's kind of self-defeating, but I really am mourning a bit over how this will change my life. When it comes down to it, I enjoy eating. I love to go out with friends and have a meal. I love pizza. Nothing makes me feel better after a bad day than some extra carbs.
My hope is that after the surgery, I won't feel hungry all the time and that will help... but I still can't use food as a comfort and like it or not, sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry.
I was kind of hoping all of my pre-op requirements would be done by now. I checked in last week and my psych evaluation still has not been sent. I should be able to call over and get that sent (again?) during my prep. tomorrow. Also, it appears that during my physical, some of my necessary blood tests were not taken. I need to schedule that and have those sent over. I left a message with Dr. H's nurse last Monday and still have not heard back.
I know this seems like a small hurdle, but it's just exhausting. I feel like if the psych. people and my primary care physician had done their jobs, I would be done with all this.
Also, I got a letter in the mail from Dr. B (the surgeon). They were concerned about my thyroid and wanted to make sure I'm having it looked at. I called and (surprise, surprise) left a message to the nurse I was told to call in the letter. I told her that I had an appointment on Dec. 31 (where my medicine was changed) and that I am having a follow up in March.
-----
Another thing that is overwhelming me is that I had a friend visit me this weekend. She hadn't seen me in three years. Three years ago, I was very much engaged in the "trying" to have a baby mode. I was undergoing treatments and was super optimistic. Now, three years later and no baby, she had lots of questions. I explained as much as I could to her and she tried to be supportive. It was kind of sad though. I feel kind of broken and having to essentially explain "what went wrong" was difficult.
Another thing is that my friend is a fun gal. I tried to plan things and keep up with her, but essentially what I did was do something for the last time. Let me explain. We went to this fabulous Brazilian restaurant. They bring skewers of food to you continually and you eat (and eat and eat -- I mean for $50 a person, you kind of want your fill). We also drank 2 bottles of wine and then meet my teammate and her fiance' out at a bar for more drinks. Well, I'm 31 and lead a relatively tame life. This is not my normal. Once I have the surgery, I will not be able to go to restaurants like this and I will certainly not be able to drink out with friends. Granted, we went overboard, but I like going overboard once or twice a year. I also like social eating and drinking. From what I have read, after surgery if you drink half a glass of wine you may end up on the floor. Also, people report that drinking (even half a glass of wine) slows (or stops) their progress after the surgery.
In order to be "ready" for surgery, I need to already lose some weight. Losing weight decreases your liver size which makes it easier to move during surgery. Since my first visit with Dr. B., I have GAINED about 10 pounds. This is probably because I keep enjoying my "lasts" (my last Mexican meal - the way I like it, my last time having fondue, etc...). It's kind of self-defeating, but I really am mourning a bit over how this will change my life. When it comes down to it, I enjoy eating. I love to go out with friends and have a meal. I love pizza. Nothing makes me feel better after a bad day than some extra carbs.
My hope is that after the surgery, I won't feel hungry all the time and that will help... but I still can't use food as a comfort and like it or not, sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Upper GI
Well, it worked out and I had my Upper GI today. You may want to skip this entry if you get woozy easily.
No one properly prepared me for this experience, so I thought someone else may want to know.
I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 and was promptly processed. They asked me if my husband was my emergency contact and I told them yes. I'm not sure if that was right since Jeff was on a flight to Boston at the time, but it all worked out anyway.
They took me back to get me into a gown. The lady took out an extra large gown, looked at me and then put it away. She came back with a gown that if I was to guess a size, I would say it was a 5x. You could have fit two of me in it. Trying to look on the bright side, I thought, "at least it'll cover me."
When I was getting ready to change into my gown, they asked me if my pants had any buttons or zippers. I guess if I had been wearing pajama bottoms, I wouldn't have had to take my pants off. No one told me that. I would have loved to wear pants for this ordeal.
As far as the procedure itself, I don't know how to explain it, besides saying it was like a medical version of a Survivor (TV show) food challenge. This is what I read online:
"The patient is asked to drink the barium liquid and to swallow baking soda crystals. It is important not to belch, as the gas assists the radiologist in evaluation."
Let's talk about what that really means.
First, you drink baking soda crystals. You can swallow it in one big chug. It's a little grainy at the bottom and it's fizzing the whole time. I finished it and thought it wasn't so bad. Those are famous last words for a reason.
Next, they give you a Styrofoam cup FULL of this thick, chalky, white liquid. You are to drink the whole cup relatively quickly and don't burp (which is all you want to do). I was doing good drinking this, until about I was about 3/4ths done. Then I had that, "I'm going to throw up" feeling. I convulsed over and put my hand over my mouth. The technician's assistant told me not to throw it up, so I tilted my head back and swallowed what made it's way back up. The tech's assistant told me "good." I couldn't think of anything good at this point.
I managed to finish the cup and she said "HOPEFULLY, that's all I'll have to drink." I repeated back, "hopefully?" The tech's assistant looked at me reassuringly, which is all I could really ask for.
She went to get the technician. While she was out of the room, I burped. As soon as I did it, I remembered what I read and knew I shouldn't have. It was a burp like a bubble had popped. Bizarre, but no harm, no foul? Maybe if I didn't do it again, I'd be okay.
The ex-ray technician came in. He was older, but had a sense of humor, which I deeply appreciated. I was placed on my stomach on a table and as the machine was placed over me, I could see my stomach. It was really cool to watch. Then I was told to turn on my back. Then my front again. The tech. said something, which I couldn't make out and instantly there was another Styrofoam cup with that horrible white liquid and a straw. I was told to take four big swallows. After my fourth, he told me to take one more. I was flipped a few more times.
The tech. now told me that he was involved in a clinical study and they wanted to see if patients liked the white liquid or water better. I laughed so hard I almost burped again! The assistant gave me some water to drink and it was shortly over. The tech. asked me which I like better and I told him not to talk to me. (laughs) I guess it's good he was making light of that horrible stuff, but I just wanted to throw up.
The tech. explained to me that everything looked normal (no tumors or odd things), except that I have a bit of reflux. I was a bit worried so I called my mother in-law. She's an xray tech herself. She told me it was no big deal and it would probably go away when I lost weight. I went home and read up on it and thought to myself, "Yeah. I have that. I thought everyone did."
I came home, promptly went and got sick, and then took a 2 hour nap. I had to be at work by noon and needed to pick up lunch for my friend on the way. I feel fine now. I ate lunch and dinner without issue. I'm glad that experience is over.
No one properly prepared me for this experience, so I thought someone else may want to know.
I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 and was promptly processed. They asked me if my husband was my emergency contact and I told them yes. I'm not sure if that was right since Jeff was on a flight to Boston at the time, but it all worked out anyway.
They took me back to get me into a gown. The lady took out an extra large gown, looked at me and then put it away. She came back with a gown that if I was to guess a size, I would say it was a 5x. You could have fit two of me in it. Trying to look on the bright side, I thought, "at least it'll cover me."
When I was getting ready to change into my gown, they asked me if my pants had any buttons or zippers. I guess if I had been wearing pajama bottoms, I wouldn't have had to take my pants off. No one told me that. I would have loved to wear pants for this ordeal.
As far as the procedure itself, I don't know how to explain it, besides saying it was like a medical version of a Survivor (TV show) food challenge. This is what I read online:
"The patient is asked to drink the barium liquid and to swallow baking soda crystals. It is important not to belch, as the gas assists the radiologist in evaluation."
Let's talk about what that really means.
First, you drink baking soda crystals. You can swallow it in one big chug. It's a little grainy at the bottom and it's fizzing the whole time. I finished it and thought it wasn't so bad. Those are famous last words for a reason.
Next, they give you a Styrofoam cup FULL of this thick, chalky, white liquid. You are to drink the whole cup relatively quickly and don't burp (which is all you want to do). I was doing good drinking this, until about I was about 3/4ths done. Then I had that, "I'm going to throw up" feeling. I convulsed over and put my hand over my mouth. The technician's assistant told me not to throw it up, so I tilted my head back and swallowed what made it's way back up. The tech's assistant told me "good." I couldn't think of anything good at this point.
I managed to finish the cup and she said "HOPEFULLY, that's all I'll have to drink." I repeated back, "hopefully?" The tech's assistant looked at me reassuringly, which is all I could really ask for.
She went to get the technician. While she was out of the room, I burped. As soon as I did it, I remembered what I read and knew I shouldn't have. It was a burp like a bubble had popped. Bizarre, but no harm, no foul? Maybe if I didn't do it again, I'd be okay.
The ex-ray technician came in. He was older, but had a sense of humor, which I deeply appreciated. I was placed on my stomach on a table and as the machine was placed over me, I could see my stomach. It was really cool to watch. Then I was told to turn on my back. Then my front again. The tech. said something, which I couldn't make out and instantly there was another Styrofoam cup with that horrible white liquid and a straw. I was told to take four big swallows. After my fourth, he told me to take one more. I was flipped a few more times.
The tech. now told me that he was involved in a clinical study and they wanted to see if patients liked the white liquid or water better. I laughed so hard I almost burped again! The assistant gave me some water to drink and it was shortly over. The tech. asked me which I like better and I told him not to talk to me. (laughs) I guess it's good he was making light of that horrible stuff, but I just wanted to throw up.
The tech. explained to me that everything looked normal (no tumors or odd things), except that I have a bit of reflux. I was a bit worried so I called my mother in-law. She's an xray tech herself. She told me it was no big deal and it would probably go away when I lost weight. I went home and read up on it and thought to myself, "Yeah. I have that. I thought everyone did."
I came home, promptly went and got sick, and then took a 2 hour nap. I had to be at work by noon and needed to pick up lunch for my friend on the way. I feel fine now. I ate lunch and dinner without issue. I'm glad that experience is over.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Bump update or bumpdate for short!
About my bump in the road, on Friday after work I got a message saying they had gotten me my Upper GI scheduled for THIS MONDAY at 7:30am. This makes me a little nervous because I have to get a sub for me at work. I also have to get my plans to work before I get to the appointment.
The person who normally schedules subs (awesome lady) is away. I called and left a message for the person who is filling in for her (another awesome lady). I haven't heard back. I was really looking forward to getting this done so I can move forward. I'll try to call again on Sunday.
Can my bump have bumps? haha I think mine does!
.
This weekend's research: Vitamins
This weekend Jeff and I have been researching different types of vitamins that I can take Post-Op. It's a little overwhelming. There are lots of different options, some formulated for bariatric patients, and some not.
An odd thing is that on bariatric message boards, they refer to a nutritionist as a "nut." That's really an odd way to refer to him or her.
I am currently looking at trying this vitamin to see how I like it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Pre-Op Requirements... bump...
Bump...
What’s that? That’s another bump in the road.
So, the pre-op requirements are pretty extensive. Let’s go through them.
Physical Examination – Done. My thyroid has gone crazy again. This led me to see a new endocrinologist. He has upped my thyroid medicine. I’m taking it by the way.
Psychological Evaluation – Done. No word if I passed. I sat and talked to a psychiatrist for a half hour then went and took a computer questionnaire with OVER 500 questions! What kind of questions? Well they were all true or false and they ranged from, “Someone is trying to poison me.
Nutritional Counseling – Done. We met with her and there weren’t any big shockers. I had already read about the two weeks pre and post surgery having to be on a liquid diet. She did show us some brands of protein shakes. I have to have protein drinks that have 4 or less grams of sugar. She suggested I start trying them to see what I like. We’ve started that. The “OH MY GOD” thing she said was actually kind of silly. I can never take Motrin again. I can only have Tylenol. No alcohol for 6 months to a year I was able to take in stride. No Motrin? I felt like I was going to go crazy! That’s my go-to drug of choice! Whoa.
Register on EXEMPLO – Done. It’s a patient portal kind of thing that let’s you see your status, log your essentials, and communicate with the office without them having to actually talk to you.
Hour long video where you watch a bypass done with disgusting cameras – Done and gross.
Blood Work – Done. I hope they did all the tests they needed. That was more blood than I care to give.
Pap Smear within the last year – Done.
Weight history for the last two years – Done. My OB/GYN submitted this. They have seen me a lot during the infertility stuff.
Upper GI – NOT DONE! (bump) Originally, I thought I didn't have to do this because my form said "For Adjustable Gastric Band patients." Apparently, they have changed their mind and now want everyone to have this. I have been trying to schedule this for 4 work days now. I’m now sure why this is so hard to schedule. I wish I could have known this when I scheduled all my other appointments. Bump...
That’s where I’m at with my Pre-Op requirements. Let’s see how many typos Jeff can find in this entry! Apparently, I was typing “loose” instead of “lose” in the last one (fixed). Who said teachers needed to be able to spell? HA!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
How Did I Get Here?
I have had lots that I have wanted to document lately, but I have felt that I couldn’t until I explain how I got here.
It was the summer of 2004. Jeff and I had been married for a year. We were in the Home Depot parking lot, walking back to our car. Jeff turned to me to tell me that HIS “clock was ticking.” I explained to him that he didn’t have a clock, but the point was still there, Jeff was ready to start a family. For the next six months, we tried without really trying. That December, we starting trying more strategically (looking at the calendar for optimum times). After a year had passed, I started getting horrible pains. These pains were actually from having a cyst and endometriosis which required surgery. During my post-op appointment with Dr. S. we talked about how we had been trying. He explained to my husband and myself that, “Women have a fatometer.” Essentially, he was trying to explain how really heavy and really skinny women have trouble conceiving.
Well, we were a bit put off by Dr. S’s lack of bed side manner, so we consulted my OB/GYN Goddess Extraordinaire, Dr. M. She wanted to start me on Clomid (as my mom had), but it turns out that I had more cysts requiring surgery.
After two surgeries, several “painless procedures” (which were not painless at all and which detail is really moot for this blog’s purposes), monthly internal ultrasounds, shots, pills, and blood tests, Dr. M. and her wonderful colleague, Dr. W., sent me to a very reputable fertility clinic. Lots of things were said about my levels, my thyroid, my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (which will be referred to as PCOS henceforth), but the bottom line is I needed to lose weight to get pregnant. How much weight? I needed to lose 106.5 lbs to be at the BMI I needed to achieve in order to get pregnant. The doctor said I should lose this in 6 months to a year (that’s right, the doctor wanted me to lose between and 8.9 and 17.75 pounds PER MONTH).
Amazingly enough, I actually was doing pretty well. I lost 39 lbs in a year (only 3.25 lbs per month) and got my thyroid under control! I called the doctor at the fertility clinic and was told by his nurse that he wanted me to lose “at least another 60 pounds before the doctor will see you again.” This may sound very well and good, but I had really worked hard for those 39. I had plateaued for the past two months. Another 60 pounds seemed impossible. It would be like if I told you (and you alone) that you had to build a house without any tools. You could read books about houses being built. You could watch a video of houses being built, you could have someone giving you step by step instructions on how to build the house, but when it comes down to it, it’s your hands and you. Oh yeah. And get it done in 6 months to a year. During this time, still keep down your job, your marriage, and all other responsibilities.
I know it sound like I’m being dramatic, but that IS how I feel. This is my blog and my story.
I think it’s also important to note that I have always been heavier. I have never had my weight “under control.” Even now, I don’t eat a lot more than the average person, but am twice the weight of my friends. I don’t drink soda or coffee. I have a small salad and small sandwich for lunch every day at work. I eat apples for my snack with my students. My dinner is usually chicken based with a starch and a veggie. At home, if I have dessert it’s normally fat free pudding. The whole thing is just so frustrating.
Everyone has their own solution for me too. Some people tell me to eat a big breakfast, medium lunch, and small dinner. Others tell me only eat between 5-10pm. Others tell me to take a prescription pill (Ionamin®) to over the counter drugs (Alli®).
In October, Jeff and I started looking into Bariatric options. It still seems like a ton of work, but (going back to the house reference) it’s like a hammer. It’d be easier to build that house if someone would just give me a hammer! After researching and meeting with Dr. B, we’ve been moving forward on me having a Gastric Bypass. I need help and hopefully this will allow me to be successful in my weight loss and Jeff and I can finally have our family.
We’ve told some friends, my parents, Jeff’s mom, and Jeff’s sister. Once I have a date, I’ll tell everyone. We’re going to “live this out loud.” There is no reason to feel ashamed. I need help. I hope I have your support.
I’ll probably write more on this decision in later posts, but I’m exhausted. Jeff is in Boston
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