I'm scared.
That's the thing a lot of people have been wanting me to say. I tell them about what I'm doing and many reply, "Aren't you scared?" Well, congratulations! I'm finally there. I'm scared. What I'm scared of may surprise you.
I'm not scared of the surgery; Dr. B. is awesome. He's done this somewhere over 1,300 times and has never lost a patient. I'm not scared of giving up ice cream; it seems like a small trade off for the chance at a family. I'm not scared of losing my hair; it'll come back.
So, what am I scared of?
Hunger -- This surgery is changing my football sized stomach into an egg sized stomach, so this is not supposed to be a concern. I hate feeling hungry and not being able to eat. This morning. I slept in. When I woke up, I had 2 eggs scrambled with eggs and cheese with well done bacon for my 11am breakfast. At 6pm, I was hungry. At 7pm, I was almost in tears. I went downstairs and had a salad, talapia, and green beans; I felt better, but I was still hungry. Jeff lovingly cut me up some strawberries. I feel good now. I shouldn't be worried about this post surgery. I'm going to be eating smaller meals more frequently, and my football sized stomach will be much smaller, so I won't have the need to fill my football. Still, I am a bit scared -- irrationally so.
Well, me being who I am, I read up a bit and found a suitable plan. First, I'm buying a mini-fridge for my classroom. I'll have some healthy options in my class at all time. Secondly, I was reading READY, Set, shrink! by Lori Ferrante today and she suggested something very useful. In chapter three (Preparing For Surgery), she says that she bought a bunch of GladWare "mini round" containers in the half cup size. Since my new stomach will only be able to handle four ounces at a time, these are perfect! Ferrante says she opens up a few different protein shakes and pour them into the GladWare containers and store them in the fridge. This way, she always has the correct portion of her protein shake ready to go at a moments notice. Even though when school come back, I'll be eating more solids, I'll still use these shakes to get my protein. Also, if you've been following my blog, you know I've been trying protein shakes for a few months now. I've also bought some bariatric friendly food from the internet that I need to try. (There are boxes and bottles stacked on my kitchen island.) So, I seem to have a plan and logically, I should not worry about this. Realistically, I don't know if I'll stop feeling scared about this until I experience that easily full sensation.
Pills -- I'm going to be taking vitamin supplements for the rest of my life. Quite honestly, I'm not the best at taking the pills I currently have to take on a systematic basis. Speaking of, did I take my thyroid medicine today? I'm not sure. It's bad that I get myself into this situation. After surgery, I'll have my normal medicine plus I'll be taking a multivitamin with iron, a b-complex vitamin with b-12, and a calcium citrate with D 600mg twice a day. I can't take all of this at once, so I'm definitely going to need a plan in place. Ferrante used a daily chart and checked off each item after she took it. This included her protein and water intake. This sounds like a good plan in theory. I just hope I can keep up with it. In my head I keep saying, "Protein + Vitamins = Keeping My Hair." That's actually more motivating than you'd imagine. Either way, I have to figure this out this week.
Pre-op Appointment -- I'm a bit anxious for my pre-op appointment with Dr. B. on Friday. He wanted me to lose weight before my surgery, and I have, but I'm not down from the last time he saw me. Once I had a surgery date, I did a "say goodbye to my favorite food tour." I enjoyed things I wouldn't have for a long time. I also gained 15 lbs eating the way I have always wanted to. People see me and think I eat like that all the time. The truth is that I have a salad, chicken, fruit, and water for lunch. I bring low-fat cheese sticks to work. Anyway, I gained the weight and I've almost got it all off. I'm only plus four pounds from where I was in March. Technically, I have lost 11 lbs, but I gained 15 first. I'm "hard-coring" it now. I'm moving my protein shakes up to two a day. I'm not eating ANY whites (pasta, bread, potatoes...). I'm trying to drink more water. Anyway, I'm nervous. I'm going to be very honest with Dr. B. and tell him about my ups and downs (pun intended). We'll see what he says. I guess the worst case scenario is that he postpones my surgery a few weeks. I really don't want that to happen, but it could.
Family and Friends -- I know that everyone is being so supportive. I worry that people have expectations for me that I won't be able to live up to. There is this parent at my school who had a bypass. She lost over 100lbs. Recently, people in that community who hear I'm having this done say things like, "Look at her. She's done so well... but I think she's gaining some of it back." People are SO critical! From everything I've read, I'm supposed to lose a lot and than gain a small amount back and find a happy plateau. This woman has managed to keep 100+ pounds! I think that's great. Yet, I feel like she is not living up to people's expectations -- people's uninformed expectations. I'm so scared that this situation will happen to me. I'm scared of disappointing my family and friends, not being all they want of me. In the end, I'm doing this for myself and my family; I know that is what I have to remember. I'm a bit sensitive though -- that's all.
