The last week has really been full of ups and downs for me. I'll recap for you.
Monday: I got my blood test redone (time three). While there, I saw my primary care physician, Dr. H, because I had an ear infection. I explained my frustration about the lab and my blood work. I told him very simply that he and his nurse were the only reason I continue to use that office. I don't feel like anyone else really cares about me there. I explained about having to get my blood taken three times. I explained about how many times I had to call to get tests taken. I explained everything. He seemed to get it. Dr. H. apologized. I told him that HE was not the one in the office who owed me an apology. I hope that he'll be trying to get these quirks fixed.
Tuesday: I got a temporary cap put on my recently root canaled tooth.
Friday: I took a half day to go to see my new Endocrinologist. [His last name also begins with an H, so I'll call him Dr. Endo. Let me know if you think of a better way to do this!] I had seen him once before and not really cared for him. I felt he didn't listen to me. My dear friend Gloria LOVES him, so I decided to give him another chance. I did bring reinforcements this time (Jeff).
Jeff and I talked a bit about my trepidation about this doctor. To sum up, he seemed very against bariactric surgery; he didn't ask enough questions about my background; he wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him "my story"; he continually interrupted me when I was trying to give him more information. All of these things left me feeling very unconnected to this doctor.
When Dr. Endo came in, I introduced him to Jeff. Jeff has come to a lot of appointments with me during my fertility roller coaster, so we have gotten pretty good at this. Dr. Endo was the first doctor to completely act like Jeff wasn't in the room when Jeff wasn't speaking directly to him. It was odd, but nothing big.
Next, he asked me if I was pregnant -- a question that caught me pretty off guard. Of course I'm not pregnant. I'm never pregnant. Ugh. Don't you think if I was pregnant I'd mention it? Or given that I have been trying for 5.75 years, I'd probably be glowing five shades of sunshine? I digress...
Apparently, I was supposed to have labs done before I saw him. Maybe it was because the first time I saw him was on New Year's Eve, but this was not made clear to me. Now it is. A different person did my "check out" and explained how they do it wonderfully.
Dr. Endo noted my slight weight loss since my last appointment. He then told me I should talk to my OB/GYN again about getting me on Clomid. He feels that if my thyroid gets in check (and we don't know if it is since I didn't have labs), and he ups my Glucophage/Metformin, I will get pregnant quite easily. I try to explain to him that we are going a different route with the gastric bypass. Dr. Endo feels that there is no reason for me to have surgery. He expresses concerns about bone loss and long term issues. I explain to him that the fertility specialist says I need to lose another hundred from where I am and my OB/GYN is done putting me on Clomid. Dr. Endo then tells me if they aren't willing to do this, I should consider getting new doctors! (Whoa!)
Eventually, Jeff and I stop talking and just let Dr. Endo go on with his magical theory. I check out, go get my allergy shot, and get some blood taken before returning to school.
Jeff and I spent a few days trying to process this appointment.
I have been at a lower weight with my thyroid levels correct before. During this time, I was on Clomid. I was not able to get pregnant. The only difference that Dr. Endo is proposing is upping my Glucophage. Also, on Clomid, I grew cysts that had to be surgically removed. That is not great either. I have my core trusted doctors telling me this surgery is my best option. Dr. Endo's plan sounds a little fairy taleish. I may be jaded after all these years, but I haven't believed in fairy tales for a long time.
If we went with Dr. Endo's plan, we'd have to give it a year. I'd be (almost) 33 at that point. Then if it didn't work, I could still get the surgery, but I'd be 35 before I could start trying to conceive. If I got pregnant immediately I'd be 36 before I had my first child. We feel like time is ticking and we don't want to waste a year on a plan with a doctor we really don't trust. We're moving forward and sticking with the doctors we trust.
This weekend, we researched bone loss in by-pass patients. It looks like anyone who loses a substantial amount of weight will have a substantial bone loss. Our bones get bigger to support our bigger bodies. It did seem like bairatric patients are at greater risk for Osteoporosis if they do not take their vitamins as they are supposed to for the rest of their life. I plan on following my doctor's and nut's instructions to the letter.
Saturday: I received my lab test results back from my Dr. H. They looked good. There was also a note saying the results were sent to Dr. B.'s office. Oh my goodness! This is good news! Now Dr. B.'s office will be ready to send all my information to my insurance for approval! I am so excited!
Sunday: I read a bit more in my book. Today I read that I am not supposed to have the "Last Supper" mentality before this surgery. I'll get a lot of these foods back, but in smaller quantities. I wish someone would have made that more clear a few weeks ago! Phew!
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By the way, I appreciate those of you who are reading this. It's nice not to feel alone in this journey. (hugs)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
More Protein Drinks
Yes, sports fans, we had our first Liquid Death!
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Doctors, Support Groups, and Babies! (Oh My!)
Doctors:
Good news: My psych. report it in! (Yes, I passed; thank you peanut gallery.). Also, I got my missing blood tests retaken!
Bad news: Even though they retook my blood (first time December, second time February) they still MISSED a test! How hard can it be to take the doctor's orders, take my blood, and process the right things? Apparently, very hard. BUT, once I get this last blood test taken, I think I am done with my pre-op requirements! That is exciting.
Support Groups:
Jeff and I went to a support group from the nut's office (that's nutritionist, if you missed my previous post). It had lots of good information and samples of some proteinlious drinks and snacks. Everyone at the group had already had the surgery and was on their way downwards. They seemed to all have there separate set of complications/issues, but were all very glad they had the surgery.
In my own mini-support group (friends), I touched base with my friend C who had a bypass 7 years ago. I also have called my friend, L, who had a different, but similar, type of surgery a few years ago. C looks amazing and the surgery has helped her a lot. It was so great reconnecting with her. We went to elementary, middle, and high school together. Even though a lot of time has passed, I felt like I could ask her anything! It was a good feeling.
Babies
Yes, babies. Last week was the "Everyone I Know Seems to be Having a Baby" week. Two people from my work are preggers. I know that's not everyone, but I took it hard. I always think if I say that out loud I will sound like a monster. I'm not a monster. I love babies! I'm really happy for the people having them! I can't wait to see the babies and to buy little baby things. But for me, that's a double-edged sword.
The whole reason I'm going through this is to start a family. Over the past 5.5 years, I've done so much in order to get the the, "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" place of my life. When I see someone who has been married a month and seems to instantly become pregnant, it makes me feel a little more defective. It's not that I'm not happy for other people, because I really am. I just wish things were a little easier for me in that department.
My people (and they know who they are) tell me I "can't think like that." It's not like I choose to feel sad. It's not like I think to myself, "Well, I could isolate their experience and only feel happy for them, or I could also internalize it with a bit of jealousy and depression... let's go for the depression one!" It's just how I am. People around me don't really seem to get it. I don't know how to explain it any other way than it's how I feel. I always feel defensive when I talk about my feelings too. Just now, I was about to type, "I'm not saying I want anything to happen to these children or wish these other people didn't get pregnant; I just wish I was also." I feel guilty for my feelings -- like I need to explain them over and over again.
I found out about these two pregnant colleagues on Thursday. I came home and The Office was having their episode with Jim and Pam having their baby. Then this weekend, a friend from college had a beautiful baby girl and posted lots of pictures online (as she should). Law and Order had baby drama. Several of my friend posted baby updates online. Also, several people I know have been complaining about their kids. One was complaining to me that her two kids got into bed with her on Thursday night and she didn't get a lot of sleep. My only response I could think of was, "That's an awesome problem to have."
I have to find a way to deal with this better. I'm sure even more babies will be coming in through my life during the next few years. I just wish I knew some day, I'd get to have my, "Guess what?" moment too. (And don't say, "You will, Jessica," because you don't really know that.)
Good news: My psych. report it in! (Yes, I passed; thank you peanut gallery.). Also, I got my missing blood tests retaken!
Bad news: Even though they retook my blood (first time December, second time February) they still MISSED a test! How hard can it be to take the doctor's orders, take my blood, and process the right things? Apparently, very hard. BUT, once I get this last blood test taken, I think I am done with my pre-op requirements! That is exciting.
Support Groups:
Jeff and I went to a support group from the nut's office (that's nutritionist, if you missed my previous post). It had lots of good information and samples of some proteinlious drinks and snacks. Everyone at the group had already had the surgery and was on their way downwards. They seemed to all have there separate set of complications/issues, but were all very glad they had the surgery.
In my own mini-support group (friends), I touched base with my friend C who had a bypass 7 years ago. I also have called my friend, L, who had a different, but similar, type of surgery a few years ago. C looks amazing and the surgery has helped her a lot. It was so great reconnecting with her. We went to elementary, middle, and high school together. Even though a lot of time has passed, I felt like I could ask her anything! It was a good feeling.
Babies
Yes, babies. Last week was the "Everyone I Know Seems to be Having a Baby" week. Two people from my work are preggers. I know that's not everyone, but I took it hard. I always think if I say that out loud I will sound like a monster. I'm not a monster. I love babies! I'm really happy for the people having them! I can't wait to see the babies and to buy little baby things. But for me, that's a double-edged sword.
The whole reason I'm going through this is to start a family. Over the past 5.5 years, I've done so much in order to get the the, "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" place of my life. When I see someone who has been married a month and seems to instantly become pregnant, it makes me feel a little more defective. It's not that I'm not happy for other people, because I really am. I just wish things were a little easier for me in that department.
My people (and they know who they are) tell me I "can't think like that." It's not like I choose to feel sad. It's not like I think to myself, "Well, I could isolate their experience and only feel happy for them, or I could also internalize it with a bit of jealousy and depression... let's go for the depression one!" It's just how I am. People around me don't really seem to get it. I don't know how to explain it any other way than it's how I feel. I always feel defensive when I talk about my feelings too. Just now, I was about to type, "I'm not saying I want anything to happen to these children or wish these other people didn't get pregnant; I just wish I was also." I feel guilty for my feelings -- like I need to explain them over and over again.
I found out about these two pregnant colleagues on Thursday. I came home and The Office was having their episode with Jim and Pam having their baby. Then this weekend, a friend from college had a beautiful baby girl and posted lots of pictures online (as she should). Law and Order had baby drama. Several of my friend posted baby updates online. Also, several people I know have been complaining about their kids. One was complaining to me that her two kids got into bed with her on Thursday night and she didn't get a lot of sleep. My only response I could think of was, "That's an awesome problem to have."
I have to find a way to deal with this better. I'm sure even more babies will be coming in through my life during the next few years. I just wish I knew some day, I'd get to have my, "Guess what?" moment too. (And don't say, "You will, Jessica," because you don't really know that.)
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