I have had lots that I have wanted to document lately, but I have felt that I couldn’t until I explain how I got here.
It was the summer of 2004. Jeff and I had been married for a year. We were in the Home Depot parking lot, walking back to our car. Jeff turned to me to tell me that HIS “clock was ticking.” I explained to him that he didn’t have a clock, but the point was still there, Jeff was ready to start a family. For the next six months, we tried without really trying. That December, we starting trying more strategically (looking at the calendar for optimum times). After a year had passed, I started getting horrible pains. These pains were actually from having a cyst and endometriosis which required surgery. During my post-op appointment with Dr. S. we talked about how we had been trying. He explained to my husband and myself that, “Women have a fatometer.” Essentially, he was trying to explain how really heavy and really skinny women have trouble conceiving.
Well, we were a bit put off by Dr. S’s lack of bed side manner, so we consulted my OB/GYN Goddess Extraordinaire, Dr. M. She wanted to start me on Clomid (as my mom had), but it turns out that I had more cysts requiring surgery.
After two surgeries, several “painless procedures” (which were not painless at all and which detail is really moot for this blog’s purposes), monthly internal ultrasounds, shots, pills, and blood tests, Dr. M. and her wonderful colleague, Dr. W., sent me to a very reputable fertility clinic. Lots of things were said about my levels, my thyroid, my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (which will be referred to as PCOS henceforth), but the bottom line is I needed to lose weight to get pregnant. How much weight? I needed to lose 106.5 lbs to be at the BMI I needed to achieve in order to get pregnant. The doctor said I should lose this in 6 months to a year (that’s right, the doctor wanted me to lose between and 8.9 and 17.75 pounds PER MONTH).
Amazingly enough, I actually was doing pretty well. I lost 39 lbs in a year (only 3.25 lbs per month) and got my thyroid under control! I called the doctor at the fertility clinic and was told by his nurse that he wanted me to lose “at least another 60 pounds before the doctor will see you again.” This may sound very well and good, but I had really worked hard for those 39. I had plateaued for the past two months. Another 60 pounds seemed impossible. It would be like if I told you (and you alone) that you had to build a house without any tools. You could read books about houses being built. You could watch a video of houses being built, you could have someone giving you step by step instructions on how to build the house, but when it comes down to it, it’s your hands and you. Oh yeah. And get it done in 6 months to a year. During this time, still keep down your job, your marriage, and all other responsibilities.
I know it sound like I’m being dramatic, but that IS how I feel. This is my blog and my story.
I think it’s also important to note that I have always been heavier. I have never had my weight “under control.” Even now, I don’t eat a lot more than the average person, but am twice the weight of my friends. I don’t drink soda or coffee. I have a small salad and small sandwich for lunch every day at work. I eat apples for my snack with my students. My dinner is usually chicken based with a starch and a veggie. At home, if I have dessert it’s normally fat free pudding. The whole thing is just so frustrating.
Everyone has their own solution for me too. Some people tell me to eat a big breakfast, medium lunch, and small dinner. Others tell me only eat between 5-10pm. Others tell me to take a prescription pill (Ionamin®) to over the counter drugs (Alli®).
In October, Jeff and I started looking into Bariatric options. It still seems like a ton of work, but (going back to the house reference) it’s like a hammer. It’d be easier to build that house if someone would just give me a hammer! After researching and meeting with Dr. B, we’ve been moving forward on me having a Gastric Bypass. I need help and hopefully this will allow me to be successful in my weight loss and Jeff and I can finally have our family.
We’ve told some friends, my parents, Jeff’s mom, and Jeff’s sister. Once I have a date, I’ll tell everyone. We’re going to “live this out loud.” There is no reason to feel ashamed. I need help. I hope I have your support.
I’ll probably write more on this decision in later posts, but I’m exhausted. Jeff is in Boston
