State of the Jess -- How am I, you ask?

Things have been hard. 

I felt so good after my first surgery.  I was energetic and positive.  The two surgeries I had after that have really slowed me down.  I like to think of myself as the girl who can do anything (and everything) all of the time.  I'm not that girl right now.  I feel tired a lot of the time.  My belly is sore.  I have eight inch incision going down my body which I think looks hideous, despite Jeff's reassurance.  So there's that. 

I'm a week behind where I was supposed to be as far as eating because of my additional surgeries.  I currently am supposed to be eating pureed and soft foods that are a significant protein source.  I cannot explain how old that gets.  I think I liked liquids better. 

I know Jeff has to eat, but I feel like I die a little inside when I see him eating yummy food.  Sandwiches, mac and cheese, Wendy's french fries that sound so beautifully crunchy, burgers and fries from Five Guys, fried shrimp, tomatoes, salad, ice cream, subs, tortillas...  Just being able to chew...  I know this is temporary, but it's hard to watch.  Food on TV is hard too.  We've been watching this new show Louie and the actor eats a slice of pizza in the opening credits.  It's ridiculous, but it ends up in my dreams. 

My dreams!  I keep dreaming that I'm eating different things and then realize I'm not supposed to be doing that!  I wake up startled and alarmed.  It was just a dream!  I really didn't eat that grilled hot dog.  Phew!  But I still awake in a panic. 

Last night and this morning I drank something that didn't agree with me.  I had pain and tenderness where my stomach is.  In my head, I worry that it's happening again.  This is the kind of pain I had last time I had to go to the hospital.  This is the kind of pain that brought me two emergency surgeries.  I don't want this pain.  Why am I going through this?  And then it gets better and I realize it was different. 

See, I had almost two weeks of the "normal" recovery period.  I know what is was supposed to be like.  I know how I was supposed to feel.  Now, I feel much different.  I am tired and lack enthusiasm for life.  I feel like I need help, but there's nothing anyone can really do to help me.  And I'm really sad about a friend.  I feel like I have gotten to see how true my friendships (and family members) were through this.  I guess being in a stage where you're scared to undergo your third surgery in 15 days... scared that you're going to die... I guess it puts things in perspective.  People who I didn't know cared about me so much (friends and family) really stepped up and showed me that I am important to them.  But, somehow, I also saw who hasn't been there and it has been truly devastating.  I feel like a piece of me has been cut out (besides the piece of me that actually was cut out - ha).

So, Mike and other people who have asked, that's how I'm doing.  I'm moving forward one day at a time; I'm tired; I'm a bit down; I am thankful; I am sad.  I'm a lot of things I guess. 

I did travel to Seabrook Island, SC to see my teammate get married last weekend.  I was able to see the ceremony and stay for an hour of the reception.  After that, I was too tired and Jeff took me back to the house we rented with our friends.  I'm glad I was up to going.  On Saturday, I'm scheduled to fly to Ohio to see my dear friend Cheryl.  It's good to have something to look forward to.  It makes me hopeful; I guess you can add hopeful to the list. 


P.S. I saw a quote I liked today: "Tough times never last, but tough people do." Robert H. Schuller